You break the rules, you get punished. That's how it works, right?
Well, it's not working.
When it comes to our younger son especially, while he vociferously protests the punishment as the punishment is happening, the memory of that punishment rarely prevents a repeat performance of the unwanted behavior. He's 8 years old and still throwing the same tantrums he was throwing when he was 2. He's still lying about brushing his teeth. He's still sneaking the iPad into his bed.
I keep thinking this is either a failure of mine or a problem with him, leading to a chorus of whys in my head: Why doesn't he get it? Why is this still happening? Why isn’t the lesson sinking in?
Someone recently suggested that it might just be a question of brain development. So I looked into it. The prefrontal cortex, the stub-nosed front of the brain, is the home of good judgment, reasoning skills and decision making. It's where future consequences are weighed, actions balanced, risks assessed. And in my 8-year-old, it is not fully operational.
The child's brain has a very underdeveloped prefrontal cortex. It is the last part of the brain to mature, finally reaching its potential at the age of 25, which could explain why teens make very poor dating and tattoo design choices.
One thing about punishments – they are exhausting to enforce. Often I take away screen time that I find I need later on in the week, or I come up with something silly like writing "Lying is wrong, I will tell the truth" 25 times on a piece of paper. Once I had my kids do five burpees every time they didn't listen. Getting them to do the burpees was harder than getting them to listen. Then I ended up adding more burpees for every time they refused to do the burpees and we never got anywhere on time.
If I just have to wait out this brain development thing, then do I really need to be so aggressive with the punishment? Now, I'm not saying to never punish, but let's take the lying, for example. I have traditionally taken a hard line on lying, as that was the way I was raised. I sought some professional advice on punishing for lying, and was told that all I have to do is say some version of the following:
"I don’t think you are telling the truth. It's disappointing. It makes me feel sad when I think you're lying. I'm happier when you tell the truth."
And, scene.
Could it really be enough? It doesn't seem like it would be. But as long as he isn't getting away with whatever he is lying about, I am going to trust that his prefrontal cortex will eventually absorb that lying is wrong. One glorious day, I will ask if he brushed his teeth, and he will flex a new muscle in his mind and admit that he hasn't.